Some bad news, some very good news

I havent posted in awhile. Its not because nothing is happening. There have been so many ups and downs that I will try to capture for my own sake if no one elses. Last post, we had just decided to go back to CCRM.

There were many signs that this cycle was not a good decision. And really it could have gone either way. Last minute, no stress equals just what I needed or last minute means rushed and not thought out. And unfortunately, it was more rushed and not thought out. First my FSH had gone up to 11 from 7.3 a  year ago. So much for giving up gluten, dairy and taking all of my vitamins. Dr. Surrey increased my Gonal to 300 from a max of 225 last cycle. Second was the issue of my nurse, Sonja, who try as she might couldnt get anything right. Tells me she is sending the lupron prescription to Apothecary pharmacy and she sends it to Freedom which she had just told me that CCRM does not allow. Then at my first baseline, the tech found a 20 mm cyst. Three days and three castor packs later, the cyst was gone. My first ultrasound showed 11 follicles and we were off to Colorado where things progressed SLOWLY even with all of the extra meds.

My luck with nurses and techs continued save for a few moments. I had around 14 follicles but many were small and all were slow growing. One lovely nurse told me on day 10 that I would be lucky to get 4-5 mature - this is after getting 11 just 9 months ago from 10 days of stims. When I complained about how long I'd been on stims and that I desparately wanted to go home - poor DS begged daily to go home - she coldly replied that I didnt have a real reason to get home. I was so upset that I signed the wrong name on the blood vial and because of CCRM protocol, had to have yet another blood test. I did finally trigger on day 12 and they were able to get 14 follicles, 11 which were mature and 9 fertilized. All good, right?

I'd told Dr. Surrey very clearly that I wanted a transfer no matter what. If the embryos did not look good on day 3, I wanted them frozen with no testing. Day 3 all looked good but I was still hesitant and I should have been. John called on Day 7 with the bad news that nothing made it to blast. Nothing, nada - ok except for a slow growing morula that they couldnt transfer but they would be happy to charge me $1000 to test for knowledge. Dr. Surrey summed it all up that it was my egg quality, not that I'd been on the wrong protocol or too much gonal. It didnt matter. We were done. I finally saw CCRM stats for what they are - great as long as you can make blasts but in my case, my failure didnt even count because I never transferred. At least at UCSF they would give me a chance to transfer untested embryos. Dr. Surrey chalked it up to egg quality not that it was the wrong protocol or I was on too many meds.

But besides all of this bad news, we got some very good news. Three days before getting the blast report, we found out a birth mother had chosen us!!! On a positive side, not having to think ahead to CCS results, we were able to focus on talking to her and moving forward in a direction we are still getting used to. The baby boy is due at the end of September. I wont share too much about her to protect her privacy but it is a good fit all around. We are so excited that in just six weeks if all goes well, we will have our rainbow. This is not the path I would have chosen and frankly, I still have ALOT of bitterness but I am trying to focus on the world it will open up for us. This is the child we were meant to have. And an added benefit, no stretch marks, giving up wine or coffee.

An Insensitive Chat about infertility

Have to share this video about infertility. Pretty much covers all of the BS stuff fertile friends tell you.  My favorite is that maybe you are too bitter to have children. I have often thought that it might be my bitterness that blocks conception. Then I think of all of the bitter, awful people I've known through the years and from Facebook, I know conception has not been an issue. Enjoy!

Going back

The one thing I have learned in the IF world is never say never. Even if you are really, really certain at one point that you know your limits, it might change. And that is where I find myself. I swore I would never go back to CCRM. I just couldn’t handle the stress of it all again.

Fast forward six months. I am tired again. We try and fail month after month. My body continues to f**k with me giving me signals that I might be pregnant. I take my temperature, drink my herbs, avoid gluten, dairy, cold and raw foods and see the acupuncturist once a week. Instead of getting stronger, my pulse is weaker. I am told I need to relax more, breathe into my belly, open up my belly, give self massage. And every cup of coffee, second beer or glass of wine DH drinks is an affront to our efforts. I no longer hate pregnant people or avoid newborns. I still want one and badly. Oh and I turned 41.

It was all so simple. If we were going to do this again, it would be CCRM, not UCSF. The SART scores for my age group are clear cut. 46% success rate at CCRM vs 24% at UCSF. I scheduled a regroup with Dr. Surrey. It just so happened to be on CD2.  He suggested we give it another try. He is optimistic. The only change will be the beta integrin test to see if I am missing a protein that affects implantation. I can get started right away, like the very next day, with a retrieval in early June. There is nothing to rearrange. DS will be out of school. We can make a vacation out of it.

Then the questions start. Do I really need to do this again? Isnt three tries enough? I am not even getting into the costs. If it didn’t succeed before, why would it this time? There has to be a line in the sand. A time to jump off the madness. There will always be another test, another tweak to the protocol, something that might help me get my baby. And at what cost?  I am happy again, other than that little nagging sadness when I see siblings together. On the other side, this is my last shot. IVF gets harder with age. I don’t have much of a window. I’ve been doing all the eastern stuff for six months to no avail.  Perhaps it is just not for me. I am in a good place mentally. I can do this one more time and if it doesn’t work truly close the door. Throw out the fertility monitor, the preseed, thermometer and herbs, drink my coffee, enjoy the wine and train for a marathon if I wish. And wait for the adoption process.

So I take the first pill and then the second. Its always so funny to me that we take birth control pills for IVF. I remember starting them when I was 21 and in my first serious relationship. I loved the freedom. Twenty years later, it will be the last time I take them. There are no right or wrong decisions in this whole process. Just trying to do what works at the time. I am hopeful but realistic.

The two week wait - again

Again, I find myself in the two week wait. Two weeks ago, I exuded optimism, not that the IUI would work, but that one day I would get pregnant. I felt that tiny soul that was my angel – baby Chase – and knew he would find his way back to me in a healthy body.  It would not take more fertility drugs, another RE consult or another Mayan massage, I was confident that my body could do it.

In the devastation that was my last period, I put a question out on all of my networks - Golden Gate Mothers Group, Berkeley Parents Network and Lamorinda Moms Club – asking what the secret was of women who had babies after 40. I really wanted to know what was bullshit and what worked. Is IVF the only answer? And of course not a surprise but the answers were all over the board from donor egg to sitting still and taking all the supplements to saying fuck it all, running, drinking and enjoying coffee and finding yourself pregnant. Most of all, it was inspiring. One woman just had her first at 44 thanks to a great acupuncturist. The doctors had told her it wasn’t possible for her.  So I called the acupuncturist – Maria Yung – who coincidentally was just about to go on maternity leave for her third child. Did I mention she is 45?

She made time for a consult before she left. And wow, what a difference. I have been to six acupuncturists (in the Bay Area) – all very good – and no one has spent that much time going over my medical history and actually feeling my body, noting where I was tight. She is the first person to even say that at 40, my window is still very open to conceive. And like I believe, the drugs don’t seem to work for me so no more IVF. Her goal is to loosen up my tight muscles, get me to relax and ease my digestion. I am not to eat anything cold (no more coconut milk ice cream, raw vegetables and salad) and while she doesn’t think I have a gluten issue, its better to continue to still avoid it and dairy. And a drink here or there is just fine. And by the way, she wants me to track my basal body temperature.

So with all that optimism, I did my one and only medicated IUI. Coming off of IVF, it as a cake walk. Two ultrasounds then a trigger. Only four bigger follicles so not much bloating. A quick insemination with no down time. Pretty easy. DH’s efforts to improve his viscosity – no coffee, less alcohol – seem to have worked. His specimen was deemed “excellent” and my mucous “substantial”.

I am now at day 24. My boobs have been hurting for a few days. A sign of impending pregnancy or PMS. My BBT dipped 8 days past ovulation – another sign of potential implantation or just how my body works. No spotting yet but I am also on progesterone. As for my emotional state, I am a wreck. I am tired, like I am every month and I am not sure how to not be in this place month after month. It’s not healthy for me, DH or DS.

The time it worked

Way back when I used to take writing classes where we had weekly partners we'd share our daily writes with. The teacher sent out prompts for each day and you had to write for no more than 10 minutes and no editing. It was all online and a great way to get immediate feedback. Today, I stumbled through some oldies and found the one I wrote after my first IUI which became my dear son. I am holding onto this in preparation for the IUI next week. What luck we had!

Lying on my back after the doctor and the nurse leave the darken room, I imagine what he or she might smell like. I bring soft Johnson and Johnson gooey baby smell to mind and smile. I picture myself holding her or maybe him and ingesting the scent deep into my being, holding onto it, knowing it wont last forever. I let myself allow this potential person to be anything he or she wants. I promise to nurture them, laugh with them, let them cry and read them books before bedtime. I want to feel something between my legs besides the tinge where the catheter went into my cervix. I want to feel the explosion of beginning.

They told me to lie here for just five to ten minutes then its back to work like I had just run an errand
not been inseminated with my future child. I hold onto the images of a girl who looks like I did. Blond hair, blue eyed with big freckles and two missing frontteeth. I hope for a dark Italian looking boy like Dave and the joy in watching him have something look like him. I hold onto that.

I let myself accept it might not work this time. Maybe not the next time either. Or ever. I want to think I can accept this. That I can stop it after this and not continue down an emotional rollercoaster.  I stick
with the hope and the smell. I smile feeling the softness of his/her future hair and promise that if I
just get this chance, I wont ever take it for granted.

And away we go - again

On a positive note, I did not need to wait a full two weeks to find out that I wasn’t pregnant. Like the good old days before DS, my period came in spots nearly a week before it came in full force. It was so early that for a night, DH and I giggled that it might be implantation bleeding. Hah! If only.

You would think that giving up all that I have plus now gluten and dairy (for the most part) and seeing my thyroid drop to a record natural low of 1.62 (optimal for fertility is between 1 and 2) that my period would step into line. That with acupuncture, herbs and regular supplements that I would have a perfectly regular, balanced and bright red flowing AF.  And to see it go back to where it was four years ago where it was accompanied by excruciating pain alleviated only by Vicodin is just a bit frustrating. Thankfully, the cramps were for the most part non-existent, at least and I did remind myself that I did conceive my one good egg back then too so maybe there is hope.

We decided to try an IUI with injectibles this cycle. It’s the one thing I haven’t tried and if anything it will up my chances of conception with more than one follicle. Plus I already have the meds so in fertility speak, its not very expensive ($1500). So today I was back at UCSF for the first time in nearly a year for an 8:15 am baseline. The receptionist noted she hadnt seen me in awhile and asked how I was….considering. I realized I had become one of the long shots, the ones that keep on trying, year after year that even the receptionists route for…and go out of their way for. When making my follow up appointment, the same receptionist broke protocol to schedule a 10 am appointment for me after initially telling me they could only see me in the afternoon.  Or maybe it was that I told her that I would have to bring DS with me which is against the rules at UCSF. Whatever it was, she was truly kind and made me feel welcome and taken care of. Big pluses at a fertility clinic.

So tonight, it was back to the gonal and menopur – smaller doses this time. I am hopeful as I am each month. That’s just the way the rollercoaster works.

Is it my mind that is toxic?

A fellow warrior in the IF journey just sent me info for this woman that does fertility mind and spirit workshops. http://www.consciousconception.net/home .  She helps you unlock your blocks to getting pregnant and some other stuff.  The front page of her website asks:

Are you "non-toxic" in body mind and spirit? Are you able to let each obstacle become an opportunity for growth and spiritual cultivation? Are you consistently giving yourself credit for what you are doing well? Are you pampering yourself on a regular basis?

Did you know that by doing any one of the above you are literally supporting your fertile 'energy'?

Part of me is ready to get on the phone and call her tomorrow to schedule a session (cant hurt right?) Then I think - seriously? people get pregnant every day without ever going to a spirit counselor to unblock their bitterness and childhood traumas. They are plenty toxic in body and spirit, enjoying healthy diets of Diet Coke, Oreos, hormone-laden meats and unresolved fights with their partner. They enjoy lingering childhood trauma well into adulthood, feel trapped and question their self worth on a daily basis. But somehow they don’t need a spiritual guide to get pregnant so why do I? Why does anyone?

I don’t want to discount her because for $100, she can unlock what $80,000 in IVF, acupuncture, Mayan massage, Preseed, the ClearBlue digital fertility monitor and supplements cannot. Read the “gratitudes” on her website and there are certainly many happy customers.  And frankly, I do believe that we have no control on this path and to survive, its essential to cultivate my spirituality and find meaning of it all. Otherwise, I might just lose it when I get the fifth request to make a meal for the newest baby in the preschool or rip down the posterboard size announcement that has been hanging outside my sons classroom for 2 weeks.

I guess my point in this rant goes back to my annoyance at all of these costly fixes to fertility. Around every corner there is one more area to explore, something I have ignored and let lapse and for a certain sum of money, I can heal myself, giving my baby the perfect vehicle. I am tired of it. My baby is coming. This is I know. Either through my body or adoption. I feel better about it than I ever have before. I don’t need to apologize for my bitterness or the pang in my gut when I see a woman my age with a big belly. No amount of spiritual guidance, therapy or wine will make that go away (though I would certainly welcome it).

That’s it for the rant. I still may call her because well, its cheaper than IVF and I am curious. And to be honest, I have some other blockages, not related to getting pregnant, that could use some healing. Plus she sounds pretty cool.