Being happy

Two days before I got AF (which was 5 days late), I couldn’t stop crying. I’d seen the latest new baby being held by big sister pic on Facebook and felt like the pain would never go away. That of all the people facing secondary infertility at my age, it was me that wasn’t getting a happy ending. And it just isn’t fair. I am a good mom, a good wife, a good friend and damn it, a good person. I cook meals for friends in need, listen to them cry, offer advice to others in the same boat , suffer through baby showers and even play the stupid games, smile and coo at the endless parade of newborns at my son’s preschool and am happy, really happy with my son.

And then I just had to stop. I had to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself.  Bad things happen. Its not fair. Life goes on. I am simply over being in this place that every month when the AF hormones kick in, a whiny, unstable version of myself takes over.  Everyone suffers. DH goes silent. DS asks me if I am happy while tears flow down my face watching Caillou (you know when Caillou is playing with Rosie and all I can think is that Miles will never have a sibling). And the dog knows best to stay outside.

So I am saying it now and hopefully stick to it. I want to be happy and enjoy my life whatever that brings. I want to really be happy for my pregnant friends, even those that announce it at 6 weeks before an ultrasound, I want to move past the pit in my belly that turns my smile into a trembling line when I hear someone show sadness over the sex of their healthy fetus or worry about the size of car they need for a family of six and two double strollers. I want to truly feel lucky to just have my one perfect son. Lucky for the time I do have for myself, lucky for the time we have as a family, lucky that we will have more resources to travel the world, lucky that he can have all my attention and devotion without losing myself.

That is my mantra. But for the record, we arent done. We signed with AdoptHelp in Sherman Oaks and will continue to try naturally. And Dr. Rosen is putting my case by all nine REs at UCSF to come up with a miracle last-ditch protocol. But in the meantime, I am happy.