Driving home the other day as mind went through the usual flow – I need to start taking the Bee Pollen supplements, I also forgot to take the Maca and I have not been doing my fertility yoga for a couple months, maybe I should do another Mayan massage with Esther – it suddenly hit me. It doesn’t fucking matter what I do. For every person who got pregnant after seeing Esther, another ten drank wine, went running and lived on Diet Coke and got pregnant.
It all comes down to luck, fate, what have you and while I got DS, it hasn’t worked so well since. And thanks to the miracles of modern medicine, I know my body is working just fine for a 40 –year old. My FSH, AMH, LH and E2 all come back perfect and even more important, I have carried a pregnancy (not quite to term) which is the best predictor of all.
So I am done. Done blaming, questioning, wondering what the hell else I can possibly do? I am tired of trying to diagnose the problem and jumping on every new fertility fad I read about online. I am going to ignore every new report about causes of infertility. Like just the other day, a dear friend told me that parabens in cosmetics may affect fertility. I already use mostly paraben/pthlate free products – do I really need to wonder if I would conceive easier if I used the mineral foundation instead of the paraben-laden Armani foundation that I love? Lets be honest. It might matter some but I am guessing the poor women who keep getting pregnant probably arent buying cosmetics at Whole Foods.
I still don’t drink much. I go to acupuncture and take my Chinese herbs. Since the cleanse, I am doing my best to avoid gluten and dairy. I still do my veggie smoothies with flax seed and take my assortment of vitamins. But I don’t think its going to be why I do or don’t get pregnant. I know that but it in a situation in which there is no control and nothing is 100%, this at least gives me a sense that I am doing something.
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