And away we go - again

On a positive note, I did not need to wait a full two weeks to find out that I wasn’t pregnant. Like the good old days before DS, my period came in spots nearly a week before it came in full force. It was so early that for a night, DH and I giggled that it might be implantation bleeding. Hah! If only.

You would think that giving up all that I have plus now gluten and dairy (for the most part) and seeing my thyroid drop to a record natural low of 1.62 (optimal for fertility is between 1 and 2) that my period would step into line. That with acupuncture, herbs and regular supplements that I would have a perfectly regular, balanced and bright red flowing AF.  And to see it go back to where it was four years ago where it was accompanied by excruciating pain alleviated only by Vicodin is just a bit frustrating. Thankfully, the cramps were for the most part non-existent, at least and I did remind myself that I did conceive my one good egg back then too so maybe there is hope.

We decided to try an IUI with injectibles this cycle. It’s the one thing I haven’t tried and if anything it will up my chances of conception with more than one follicle. Plus I already have the meds so in fertility speak, its not very expensive ($1500). So today I was back at UCSF for the first time in nearly a year for an 8:15 am baseline. The receptionist noted she hadnt seen me in awhile and asked how I was….considering. I realized I had become one of the long shots, the ones that keep on trying, year after year that even the receptionists route for…and go out of their way for. When making my follow up appointment, the same receptionist broke protocol to schedule a 10 am appointment for me after initially telling me they could only see me in the afternoon.  Or maybe it was that I told her that I would have to bring DS with me which is against the rules at UCSF. Whatever it was, she was truly kind and made me feel welcome and taken care of. Big pluses at a fertility clinic.

So tonight, it was back to the gonal and menopur – smaller doses this time. I am hopeful as I am each month. That’s just the way the rollercoaster works.

Is it my mind that is toxic?

A fellow warrior in the IF journey just sent me info for this woman that does fertility mind and spirit workshops. http://www.consciousconception.net/home .  She helps you unlock your blocks to getting pregnant and some other stuff.  The front page of her website asks:

Are you "non-toxic" in body mind and spirit? Are you able to let each obstacle become an opportunity for growth and spiritual cultivation? Are you consistently giving yourself credit for what you are doing well? Are you pampering yourself on a regular basis?

Did you know that by doing any one of the above you are literally supporting your fertile 'energy'?

Part of me is ready to get on the phone and call her tomorrow to schedule a session (cant hurt right?) Then I think - seriously? people get pregnant every day without ever going to a spirit counselor to unblock their bitterness and childhood traumas. They are plenty toxic in body and spirit, enjoying healthy diets of Diet Coke, Oreos, hormone-laden meats and unresolved fights with their partner. They enjoy lingering childhood trauma well into adulthood, feel trapped and question their self worth on a daily basis. But somehow they don’t need a spiritual guide to get pregnant so why do I? Why does anyone?

I don’t want to discount her because for $100, she can unlock what $80,000 in IVF, acupuncture, Mayan massage, Preseed, the ClearBlue digital fertility monitor and supplements cannot. Read the “gratitudes” on her website and there are certainly many happy customers.  And frankly, I do believe that we have no control on this path and to survive, its essential to cultivate my spirituality and find meaning of it all. Otherwise, I might just lose it when I get the fifth request to make a meal for the newest baby in the preschool or rip down the posterboard size announcement that has been hanging outside my sons classroom for 2 weeks.

I guess my point in this rant goes back to my annoyance at all of these costly fixes to fertility. Around every corner there is one more area to explore, something I have ignored and let lapse and for a certain sum of money, I can heal myself, giving my baby the perfect vehicle. I am tired of it. My baby is coming. This is I know. Either through my body or adoption. I feel better about it than I ever have before. I don’t need to apologize for my bitterness or the pang in my gut when I see a woman my age with a big belly. No amount of spiritual guidance, therapy or wine will make that go away (though I would certainly welcome it).

That’s it for the rant. I still may call her because well, its cheaper than IVF and I am curious. And to be honest, I have some other blockages, not related to getting pregnant, that could use some healing. Plus she sounds pretty cool.

It's not my fault

Driving home the other day as mind went through the usual flow – I need to start taking the Bee Pollen supplements, I also forgot to take the Maca and I have not been doing my fertility yoga for a couple months, maybe I should do another Mayan massage with Esther – it suddenly hit me. It doesn’t fucking matter what I do. For every person who got pregnant after seeing Esther, another ten drank wine, went running and lived on Diet Coke and got pregnant.

It all comes down to luck, fate, what have you and while I got DS, it hasn’t worked so well since. And thanks to the miracles of modern medicine, I know my body is working just fine for a 40 –year old. My FSH, AMH, LH and E2 all come back perfect and even more important, I have carried a pregnancy (not quite to term) which is the best predictor of all.

So I am done. Done blaming, questioning, wondering what the hell else I can possibly do? I am tired of trying to diagnose the problem and jumping on every new fertility fad I read about online. I am going to ignore every new report about causes of infertility. Like just the other day, a dear friend told me that parabens in cosmetics may affect fertility.  I already use mostly paraben/pthlate free products – do I really need to wonder if I would conceive easier if I used the mineral foundation instead of the paraben-laden Armani foundation that I love?  Lets be honest. It might matter some but I am guessing the poor women who keep getting pregnant probably arent buying cosmetics at Whole Foods.

I still don’t drink much. I go to acupuncture and take my Chinese herbs. Since the cleanse, I am doing my best to avoid gluten and dairy. I still do my veggie smoothies with flax seed and take my assortment of vitamins. But I don’t think its going to be why I do or don’t get pregnant. I know that but it in a situation in which there is no control and nothing is 100%, this at least gives me a sense that I am doing something.

One more try?

In early January, I had a follow up call with Dr. Rosen about possible next steps. Not that I was ready to jump into IVF again, I just wanted to get his thoughts on 1) if he still had such high hopes for me and 2) what he would do. Thankfully, he believes me to still be a great candidate for IVF. After throwing out a whole bunch of options – HCG infusion to help my lining, co-culture to support the embryo, Human Growth Hormone, DHEA, etc – he promised to present my case to all the docs at UCSF for discussion and to come back with a new protocol.

And four weeks later, I finally heard back from him. To be fair, he did say it might be awhile. The good news and probably no surprise, all the docs agree I should be able to get pregnant. There is no big underlying something we are missing that makes it impossible for me to conceive. So here is what he came up with in no order except how I wrote it down:

-       No more baby aspirin. This makes me nervous but he quoted some evidence where it may not help. I did conceive DS without it so why not?

-       Take DHEA

-       Switch to the Antagonist protocol – yay for no more Lupron!

-       Do the PGD – apparently everyone now does the same kind of testing as CCRM’s CCS. Even better results may come within enough time for a fresh transfer. Not sure how that works but I am ok with it.

-       Use Lovenox at transfer based on my elevated anti cardial lipids and placental abruption with Miles.

-       Add Human Growth Hormone if doing a fresh transfer

-       Do a HCG infusion to help with lining

-       Co culture my embryos

-       Consider natural FET (if FET) with some progesterone support if needed.

-       Uterine biopsy to aggravate the uterus and help it grow back stronger. Dr. Surrey also recommended that as the only change he would make if I cycled at CCRM again.

-       And of course ICSI and assisted hatching are assumed.

There you have it. And if it works, we wont have any idea what made the difference. And it wont matter. I will be pregnant.

So you may be thinking based on my last posts, arent you just going the adoption route? Why the new talk about IVF? Yes, we are going the adoption route and yes, we are trying au naturel with the help of preseed, Dr. Liangs herbs and our brand new Clear Blue easy digital fertility Monitor which I love! I am about options and its hard for me to say goodbye to my own chance to carry our biological child. I am not ready to jump in tomorrow but three months from now, I might. A year ago, I hated the thought of wasting anytime between cycles but for now, I am totally okay with it. Why? Maybe its that I realized that it probably wont work or its that DH and I just completed the 21-day Standard Purification Cleanse.

No caffeine, no alcohol, no refined sugars, dairy or flours, no bread, no gluten. Plus we took a regiment of supplements –omega oils, flaxseed, super green food and fiber. We both feel amazing now that we have replaced crackers and chips with fruits and veggies and sandwiches for big salads. Not that we were really unhealthy before but I more strongly believe that these changes will only help our chances. Both of us are committed to keep these changes (but with the occasional chip, piece of dark chocolate or cup of coffee). Given that follicles start to develop three months before ovulation, I’d like to get my body in the best possible shape before another cycle and if we get lucky in the meantime (on our own or through adoption), even better.

Good things

We are moving right along on the adoption front. First step after signing a 15 page contract and paying the first of 3 Phase 1 installments is to create a Dear Birth Mother letter. And no its not just a simple letter that says, “please give us your child especially if you don’t drink, smoke cigarettes and avoid drugs. And even better if you don’t have any crazies in your biological family. And we promise to love your baby forever and ever!” The dear birthmother letter is a full on sales brochure.

Its starts with a “I know how hard this is for you” and goes on to show how great we are. We tell that by sharing what a fantastic couple we are, how interesting we both are as individuals, what a wonderful community we live in (you know – schools, cul de sac, tons of families nearby), what we love about each other and interspersed in all that how we cant wait to share all of this with a child. It wouldn’t be complete with photos to back up our claims. Its kinda hokey but this is what the adoption agency sends out when a birth mother matches our criteria. Then its up to her to pick who she thinks is going to take the best care of her unborn child.

We could do this ourselves but wouldn’t you know, there are people who make a living creating dear birthmother letters.  For $850, Joanna at Ourchosenchild.com took our draft letter, my photos, and our answers to tons of silly questions (what five things make you happy, what are your favorite vacations, what are your special talents?) and will make us look like the best parents on the planet.

It helps that Joanna is both an adoptee and a mother of an adopted child. What’s more, she has a biological son who was also a 30 weeker! And he also has red hair. She truly gets us as the parents we already are and the ones to our future child we want to be. I can’t wait to see the final product!

Being happy

Two days before I got AF (which was 5 days late), I couldn’t stop crying. I’d seen the latest new baby being held by big sister pic on Facebook and felt like the pain would never go away. That of all the people facing secondary infertility at my age, it was me that wasn’t getting a happy ending. And it just isn’t fair. I am a good mom, a good wife, a good friend and damn it, a good person. I cook meals for friends in need, listen to them cry, offer advice to others in the same boat , suffer through baby showers and even play the stupid games, smile and coo at the endless parade of newborns at my son’s preschool and am happy, really happy with my son.

And then I just had to stop. I had to stop feeling so damn sorry for myself.  Bad things happen. Its not fair. Life goes on. I am simply over being in this place that every month when the AF hormones kick in, a whiny, unstable version of myself takes over.  Everyone suffers. DH goes silent. DS asks me if I am happy while tears flow down my face watching Caillou (you know when Caillou is playing with Rosie and all I can think is that Miles will never have a sibling). And the dog knows best to stay outside.

So I am saying it now and hopefully stick to it. I want to be happy and enjoy my life whatever that brings. I want to really be happy for my pregnant friends, even those that announce it at 6 weeks before an ultrasound, I want to move past the pit in my belly that turns my smile into a trembling line when I hear someone show sadness over the sex of their healthy fetus or worry about the size of car they need for a family of six and two double strollers. I want to truly feel lucky to just have my one perfect son. Lucky for the time I do have for myself, lucky for the time we have as a family, lucky that we will have more resources to travel the world, lucky that he can have all my attention and devotion without losing myself.

That is my mantra. But for the record, we arent done. We signed with AdoptHelp in Sherman Oaks and will continue to try naturally. And Dr. Rosen is putting my case by all nine REs at UCSF to come up with a miracle last-ditch protocol. But in the meantime, I am happy.

Bhutan anyone?

Easy first pregnancy then six years and a whole hell of lot of loss and ART for second at 41 and then voila surprise healthy third pregnancy at 43. Whats the trick? A visit to Chimi Lhakang, a fertility temple in Bhutan, and getting whacked on the head with a piece of wood. Charlotte Bacon tells her story in Sunday’s New York Times and to a 40 year old woman with a perfect son and then 4 failed IUIs and 3 failed IVFs with a chromosomal termination and miscarriage along the way, let me say I was inspired.

Bhutan has been on my wish list for years. I meant to go back in 2005 when I had a couple weeks in between jobs but I put it off then I met Dave and well, it never seemed to work out. So learning that there is a miracle fertility temple in one of my bucket list destinations gets me thinking. And before I could even ask, Dave told me I could go. He’d stay home with Miles.

Of course, I shared this with my girls and I got some other takers. After the thousands we have spent on futile fertility treatments that promised success, really what is so wrong about spending $10k to fly to Bhutan to get hit on the head with a stick? I’d guess my chances of success are about the same as doing another IVF treatment if not a little better. And it would be much more interesting and a hell of lot less painful than another Mayan massage from Esther. 

And bonus would be a chance to meet the five women in real life who have been my source of sanity this last year. If anything, we can be assured of a lot of belly laughs, amazing culture and scenery and a crazy experience. And the rest of my friends in real life can honestly say that I’ve lost it.