Seven things not to say to a friend when IVF fails

When IVF doesn’t work, often times those closest to you say some pretty insensitive if well-meaning words of advice or consolation. Here are a few to keep in mind so you know what to avoid with those closest to you:

1)   “Stay positive”. Yes, we should all see the positive in a bad situation but when you just find out that you threw $17,000 down the drain, injected yourself full of hormones with unknown lasting impact and are one month farther away from your rainbow child, I have the right to feel sorry for myself for a day or two before realizing I am far better off than a starving child in Africa.

2)   Share details of your pregnancy. Yes, I am happy for my pregnant friends, even those that barely looked at their partners to conceive.  I am happy but its deep down and second to my own frustration so please hold off sharing your due date and excitement. Hope you understand, but don’t feel much like celebrating you right now.

3)   “You are lucky to have 1 already”. Duh! I know this but I want another. I just happen to fall into that 1% who happen to get a chromosomal abnormality. And just like the rest of my friends who wanted a sibling for their first, its more than okay for me to want this too. Throwing infertility on top of the loss aint no picnic!

4)   “Relax and it will happen”. Sure, I will take my mind off having another baby. I will try to forget that I am 39 years old and each month, my chances of a healthy pregnancy diminish. Again, not going to happen. If you want something, you work for it and for those that are lucky to just relax and have it happen, I hate you.

5)   “Stress isn’t good for you”.  OK then, I will stop stressing and get pregnant immediately. And then I will remind you of the rape victims who got knocked up. I am sure they were relaxed and doing acupuncture too!

6)   “You can adopt”. Wow, I hadnt thought of that one! It’s a weighty topic and until you have walked that road, you have no idea how you would feel about it. And for the record, its not exactly cheap or a piece of cake either.

7)    Question my treatment protocol. You only get to ask this question if you are a reproductive endocrinologist (RE).  But for the most of you that are not, you are out of line, even if you went through IVF yourself. Whats done is done. I don’t need an amateur Monday morning quarterback.

To be fair, many wonderful friends know just what to say. “I am so sorry. I hate that you have to go through this. I am here if you need to talk.”