The wait

The two week wait is never easy.  Even when I am scrambling day in and day out to keep the house clean for showings, taking a happy-one-minute-screaming-the-next toddler from activity to activity, hosting twenty plus family members from around the country and slowly organizing our house for the big move, still, I know the days, minutes and seconds until my period should arrive.

I took a new approach this month. I threw out the OPK (ovulation predictor kits), ignored the no-caffeine, no alcohol policy and exercised how I wanted. We had sex around the time I should have ovulated but skipped the twice a day. I did keep up the twice a week acupuncture and daily herbs. DH even went to the acupuncturist per her instructions. I maintained my positive, healthy attitude gained from the Julie Indichova books. If it will be, it will be. I don’t want to do IVF. I can do this naturally.  I believe in my body and know its capable of nurturing a healthy child.

Then as usual, my body starts f**king with me. My cervical mucous seemed more fertile around day 19, very late for me who usually ovulates on day 14. Two days later on day 21, I woke up with a pain in my pelvis, sign of ovulation. Then a few days later, my breasts started to feel tender. Before termination but now it happens before AF comes. 

So for a week, my mind jumps from hope to despair. I am tired, I think I am pregnant. My boobs hurt. Could go either way. I don’t even dare look at my boobs close up. If they are veiny and bigger, I am pregnant. If they are not, well maybe every pregnancy is different. I am not spotting. I usually spot a few days before AF. Good sign but I ovulated late. I don’t want to think about this but each twinge, yawn or visit to the bathroom invites speculation. I allow myself to hope then remind myself of the despair that will come with one drop of blood.

Its day 28. DH and I anxiously awaiting offers on our house and AF. So far, there are three offers to review and no AF.  Two more days and I will POAS.

A deserved break

I realized that since my termination in January 2010, my sole focus had been to get pregnant. Each month I planned around my ovulation, when I would find out and expected due date.  After two months of trying, I went straight to the RE to start IUIs and after 4 failed IUIs, I insisted on starting IVF ASAP. After the first failure, we immediately got back on the bandwagon. Even in our one natural cycle I flew out to CCRM for the work up and then had multiple subsequent blood tests. And all along, I have been going to regular acupuncture appointments, taking herbs and an ever increasing number of vitamins. Not to mention the growing restrictions on my diet and physical activity.

Since my cycle was canceled, I can honestly say that I feel a weight has been lifted. I am not stressed about drinking a glass of wine, sneaking an extra piece of dark chocolate or working out too hard. It is wonderful, oh so wonderful, to enjoy a natural cycle, free of hormones and let my body do what it supposed to do (ok with a little help from acupuncture and herbs). I know my ovulation is coming but I am not peeing on sticks, charting or looking at my mucous. DH and I are just enjoying the act without making it a job.  Will it work? Who knows but for now, its what I need. It allows me to focus my attention on moving, selling our house, my nephews upcoming wedding and most importantly the amazing son I already have.

While I definitely don’t agree with everything in Julie Indichova’s books Inconceivable and a Fertile Heart, after reading them I found a faith in my own body. I trust that I will get pregnant again. It may not happen when I want it to but it will and I will have a healthy baby.