Some bad news, some very good news

I havent posted in awhile. Its not because nothing is happening. There have been so many ups and downs that I will try to capture for my own sake if no one elses. Last post, we had just decided to go back to CCRM.

There were many signs that this cycle was not a good decision. And really it could have gone either way. Last minute, no stress equals just what I needed or last minute means rushed and not thought out. And unfortunately, it was more rushed and not thought out. First my FSH had gone up to 11 from 7.3 a  year ago. So much for giving up gluten, dairy and taking all of my vitamins. Dr. Surrey increased my Gonal to 300 from a max of 225 last cycle. Second was the issue of my nurse, Sonja, who try as she might couldnt get anything right. Tells me she is sending the lupron prescription to Apothecary pharmacy and she sends it to Freedom which she had just told me that CCRM does not allow. Then at my first baseline, the tech found a 20 mm cyst. Three days and three castor packs later, the cyst was gone. My first ultrasound showed 11 follicles and we were off to Colorado where things progressed SLOWLY even with all of the extra meds.

My luck with nurses and techs continued save for a few moments. I had around 14 follicles but many were small and all were slow growing. One lovely nurse told me on day 10 that I would be lucky to get 4-5 mature - this is after getting 11 just 9 months ago from 10 days of stims. When I complained about how long I'd been on stims and that I desparately wanted to go home - poor DS begged daily to go home - she coldly replied that I didnt have a real reason to get home. I was so upset that I signed the wrong name on the blood vial and because of CCRM protocol, had to have yet another blood test. I did finally trigger on day 12 and they were able to get 14 follicles, 11 which were mature and 9 fertilized. All good, right?

I'd told Dr. Surrey very clearly that I wanted a transfer no matter what. If the embryos did not look good on day 3, I wanted them frozen with no testing. Day 3 all looked good but I was still hesitant and I should have been. John called on Day 7 with the bad news that nothing made it to blast. Nothing, nada - ok except for a slow growing morula that they couldnt transfer but they would be happy to charge me $1000 to test for knowledge. Dr. Surrey summed it all up that it was my egg quality, not that I'd been on the wrong protocol or too much gonal. It didnt matter. We were done. I finally saw CCRM stats for what they are - great as long as you can make blasts but in my case, my failure didnt even count because I never transferred. At least at UCSF they would give me a chance to transfer untested embryos. Dr. Surrey chalked it up to egg quality not that it was the wrong protocol or I was on too many meds.

But besides all of this bad news, we got some very good news. Three days before getting the blast report, we found out a birth mother had chosen us!!! On a positive side, not having to think ahead to CCS results, we were able to focus on talking to her and moving forward in a direction we are still getting used to. The baby boy is due at the end of September. I wont share too much about her to protect her privacy but it is a good fit all around. We are so excited that in just six weeks if all goes well, we will have our rainbow. This is not the path I would have chosen and frankly, I still have ALOT of bitterness but I am trying to focus on the world it will open up for us. This is the child we were meant to have. And an added benefit, no stretch marks, giving up wine or coffee.

An Insensitive Chat about infertility

Have to share this video about infertility. Pretty much covers all of the BS stuff fertile friends tell you.  My favorite is that maybe you are too bitter to have children. I have often thought that it might be my bitterness that blocks conception. Then I think of all of the bitter, awful people I've known through the years and from Facebook, I know conception has not been an issue. Enjoy!