The time it worked

Way back when I used to take writing classes where we had weekly partners we'd share our daily writes with. The teacher sent out prompts for each day and you had to write for no more than 10 minutes and no editing. It was all online and a great way to get immediate feedback. Today, I stumbled through some oldies and found the one I wrote after my first IUI which became my dear son. I am holding onto this in preparation for the IUI next week. What luck we had!

Lying on my back after the doctor and the nurse leave the darken room, I imagine what he or she might smell like. I bring soft Johnson and Johnson gooey baby smell to mind and smile. I picture myself holding her or maybe him and ingesting the scent deep into my being, holding onto it, knowing it wont last forever. I let myself allow this potential person to be anything he or she wants. I promise to nurture them, laugh with them, let them cry and read them books before bedtime. I want to feel something between my legs besides the tinge where the catheter went into my cervix. I want to feel the explosion of beginning.

They told me to lie here for just five to ten minutes then its back to work like I had just run an errand
not been inseminated with my future child. I hold onto the images of a girl who looks like I did. Blond hair, blue eyed with big freckles and two missing frontteeth. I hope for a dark Italian looking boy like Dave and the joy in watching him have something look like him. I hold onto that.

I let myself accept it might not work this time. Maybe not the next time either. Or ever. I want to think I can accept this. That I can stop it after this and not continue down an emotional rollercoaster.  I stick
with the hope and the smell. I smile feeling the softness of his/her future hair and promise that if I
just get this chance, I wont ever take it for granted.

And away we go - again

On a positive note, I did not need to wait a full two weeks to find out that I wasn’t pregnant. Like the good old days before DS, my period came in spots nearly a week before it came in full force. It was so early that for a night, DH and I giggled that it might be implantation bleeding. Hah! If only.

You would think that giving up all that I have plus now gluten and dairy (for the most part) and seeing my thyroid drop to a record natural low of 1.62 (optimal for fertility is between 1 and 2) that my period would step into line. That with acupuncture, herbs and regular supplements that I would have a perfectly regular, balanced and bright red flowing AF.  And to see it go back to where it was four years ago where it was accompanied by excruciating pain alleviated only by Vicodin is just a bit frustrating. Thankfully, the cramps were for the most part non-existent, at least and I did remind myself that I did conceive my one good egg back then too so maybe there is hope.

We decided to try an IUI with injectibles this cycle. It’s the one thing I haven’t tried and if anything it will up my chances of conception with more than one follicle. Plus I already have the meds so in fertility speak, its not very expensive ($1500). So today I was back at UCSF for the first time in nearly a year for an 8:15 am baseline. The receptionist noted she hadnt seen me in awhile and asked how I was….considering. I realized I had become one of the long shots, the ones that keep on trying, year after year that even the receptionists route for…and go out of their way for. When making my follow up appointment, the same receptionist broke protocol to schedule a 10 am appointment for me after initially telling me they could only see me in the afternoon.  Or maybe it was that I told her that I would have to bring DS with me which is against the rules at UCSF. Whatever it was, she was truly kind and made me feel welcome and taken care of. Big pluses at a fertility clinic.

So tonight, it was back to the gonal and menopur – smaller doses this time. I am hopeful as I am each month. That’s just the way the rollercoaster works.

Is it my mind that is toxic?

A fellow warrior in the IF journey just sent me info for this woman that does fertility mind and spirit workshops. http://www.consciousconception.net/home .  She helps you unlock your blocks to getting pregnant and some other stuff.  The front page of her website asks:

Are you "non-toxic" in body mind and spirit? Are you able to let each obstacle become an opportunity for growth and spiritual cultivation? Are you consistently giving yourself credit for what you are doing well? Are you pampering yourself on a regular basis?

Did you know that by doing any one of the above you are literally supporting your fertile 'energy'?

Part of me is ready to get on the phone and call her tomorrow to schedule a session (cant hurt right?) Then I think - seriously? people get pregnant every day without ever going to a spirit counselor to unblock their bitterness and childhood traumas. They are plenty toxic in body and spirit, enjoying healthy diets of Diet Coke, Oreos, hormone-laden meats and unresolved fights with their partner. They enjoy lingering childhood trauma well into adulthood, feel trapped and question their self worth on a daily basis. But somehow they don’t need a spiritual guide to get pregnant so why do I? Why does anyone?

I don’t want to discount her because for $100, she can unlock what $80,000 in IVF, acupuncture, Mayan massage, Preseed, the ClearBlue digital fertility monitor and supplements cannot. Read the “gratitudes” on her website and there are certainly many happy customers.  And frankly, I do believe that we have no control on this path and to survive, its essential to cultivate my spirituality and find meaning of it all. Otherwise, I might just lose it when I get the fifth request to make a meal for the newest baby in the preschool or rip down the posterboard size announcement that has been hanging outside my sons classroom for 2 weeks.

I guess my point in this rant goes back to my annoyance at all of these costly fixes to fertility. Around every corner there is one more area to explore, something I have ignored and let lapse and for a certain sum of money, I can heal myself, giving my baby the perfect vehicle. I am tired of it. My baby is coming. This is I know. Either through my body or adoption. I feel better about it than I ever have before. I don’t need to apologize for my bitterness or the pang in my gut when I see a woman my age with a big belly. No amount of spiritual guidance, therapy or wine will make that go away (though I would certainly welcome it).

That’s it for the rant. I still may call her because well, its cheaper than IVF and I am curious. And to be honest, I have some other blockages, not related to getting pregnant, that could use some healing. Plus she sounds pretty cool.