The one thing I have learned in the IF world is never say
never. Even if you are really, really certain at one point that you know your
limits, it might change. And that is where I find myself. I swore I would never
go back to CCRM. I just couldn’t handle the stress of it all again.
Fast forward six months. I am tired again. We try and fail
month after month. My body continues to f**k with me giving me signals that I
might be pregnant. I take my temperature, drink my herbs, avoid gluten, dairy,
cold and raw foods and see the acupuncturist once a week. Instead of getting
stronger, my pulse is weaker. I am told I need to relax more, breathe into my
belly, open up my belly, give self massage. And every cup of coffee, second
beer or glass of wine DH drinks is an affront to our efforts. I no longer hate
pregnant people or avoid newborns. I still want one and badly. Oh and I turned
41.
It was all so simple. If we were going to do this again, it
would be CCRM, not UCSF. The SART scores for my age group are clear cut. 46%
success rate at CCRM vs 24% at UCSF. I scheduled a regroup with Dr. Surrey. It
just so happened to be on CD2. He
suggested we give it another try. He is optimistic. The only change will be the
beta integrin test to see if I am missing a protein that affects implantation.
I can get started right away, like the very next day, with a retrieval in early
June. There is nothing to rearrange. DS will be out of school. We can make a
vacation out of it.
Then the questions start. Do I really need to do this again?
Isnt three tries enough? I am not even getting into the costs. If it didn’t
succeed before, why would it this time? There has to be a line in the sand. A
time to jump off the madness. There will always be another test, another tweak
to the protocol, something that might help me get my baby. And at what cost? I am happy again, other than that little
nagging sadness when I see siblings together. On the other side, this is my
last shot. IVF gets harder with age. I don’t have much of a window. I’ve been
doing all the eastern stuff for six months to no avail. Perhaps it is just not for me. I am in
a good place mentally. I can do this one more time and if it doesn’t work truly
close the door. Throw out the fertility monitor, the preseed, thermometer and herbs,
drink my coffee, enjoy the wine and train for a marathon if I wish. And wait
for the adoption process.
So I take the first pill and then the second. Its always so
funny to me that we take birth control pills for IVF. I remember starting them
when I was 21 and in my first serious relationship. I loved the freedom. Twenty
years later, it will be the last time I take them. There are no right or wrong
decisions in this whole process. Just trying to do what works at the time. I am
hopeful but realistic.
