It's not my fault

Driving home the other day as mind went through the usual flow – I need to start taking the Bee Pollen supplements, I also forgot to take the Maca and I have not been doing my fertility yoga for a couple months, maybe I should do another Mayan massage with Esther – it suddenly hit me. It doesn’t fucking matter what I do. For every person who got pregnant after seeing Esther, another ten drank wine, went running and lived on Diet Coke and got pregnant.

It all comes down to luck, fate, what have you and while I got DS, it hasn’t worked so well since. And thanks to the miracles of modern medicine, I know my body is working just fine for a 40 –year old. My FSH, AMH, LH and E2 all come back perfect and even more important, I have carried a pregnancy (not quite to term) which is the best predictor of all.

So I am done. Done blaming, questioning, wondering what the hell else I can possibly do? I am tired of trying to diagnose the problem and jumping on every new fertility fad I read about online. I am going to ignore every new report about causes of infertility. Like just the other day, a dear friend told me that parabens in cosmetics may affect fertility.  I already use mostly paraben/pthlate free products – do I really need to wonder if I would conceive easier if I used the mineral foundation instead of the paraben-laden Armani foundation that I love?  Lets be honest. It might matter some but I am guessing the poor women who keep getting pregnant probably arent buying cosmetics at Whole Foods.

I still don’t drink much. I go to acupuncture and take my Chinese herbs. Since the cleanse, I am doing my best to avoid gluten and dairy. I still do my veggie smoothies with flax seed and take my assortment of vitamins. But I don’t think its going to be why I do or don’t get pregnant. I know that but it in a situation in which there is no control and nothing is 100%, this at least gives me a sense that I am doing something.

One more try?

In early January, I had a follow up call with Dr. Rosen about possible next steps. Not that I was ready to jump into IVF again, I just wanted to get his thoughts on 1) if he still had such high hopes for me and 2) what he would do. Thankfully, he believes me to still be a great candidate for IVF. After throwing out a whole bunch of options – HCG infusion to help my lining, co-culture to support the embryo, Human Growth Hormone, DHEA, etc – he promised to present my case to all the docs at UCSF for discussion and to come back with a new protocol.

And four weeks later, I finally heard back from him. To be fair, he did say it might be awhile. The good news and probably no surprise, all the docs agree I should be able to get pregnant. There is no big underlying something we are missing that makes it impossible for me to conceive. So here is what he came up with in no order except how I wrote it down:

-       No more baby aspirin. This makes me nervous but he quoted some evidence where it may not help. I did conceive DS without it so why not?

-       Take DHEA

-       Switch to the Antagonist protocol – yay for no more Lupron!

-       Do the PGD – apparently everyone now does the same kind of testing as CCRM’s CCS. Even better results may come within enough time for a fresh transfer. Not sure how that works but I am ok with it.

-       Use Lovenox at transfer based on my elevated anti cardial lipids and placental abruption with Miles.

-       Add Human Growth Hormone if doing a fresh transfer

-       Do a HCG infusion to help with lining

-       Co culture my embryos

-       Consider natural FET (if FET) with some progesterone support if needed.

-       Uterine biopsy to aggravate the uterus and help it grow back stronger. Dr. Surrey also recommended that as the only change he would make if I cycled at CCRM again.

-       And of course ICSI and assisted hatching are assumed.

There you have it. And if it works, we wont have any idea what made the difference. And it wont matter. I will be pregnant.

So you may be thinking based on my last posts, arent you just going the adoption route? Why the new talk about IVF? Yes, we are going the adoption route and yes, we are trying au naturel with the help of preseed, Dr. Liangs herbs and our brand new Clear Blue easy digital fertility Monitor which I love! I am about options and its hard for me to say goodbye to my own chance to carry our biological child. I am not ready to jump in tomorrow but three months from now, I might. A year ago, I hated the thought of wasting anytime between cycles but for now, I am totally okay with it. Why? Maybe its that I realized that it probably wont work or its that DH and I just completed the 21-day Standard Purification Cleanse.

No caffeine, no alcohol, no refined sugars, dairy or flours, no bread, no gluten. Plus we took a regiment of supplements –omega oils, flaxseed, super green food and fiber. We both feel amazing now that we have replaced crackers and chips with fruits and veggies and sandwiches for big salads. Not that we were really unhealthy before but I more strongly believe that these changes will only help our chances. Both of us are committed to keep these changes (but with the occasional chip, piece of dark chocolate or cup of coffee). Given that follicles start to develop three months before ovulation, I’d like to get my body in the best possible shape before another cycle and if we get lucky in the meantime (on our own or through adoption), even better.

Good things

We are moving right along on the adoption front. First step after signing a 15 page contract and paying the first of 3 Phase 1 installments is to create a Dear Birth Mother letter. And no its not just a simple letter that says, “please give us your child especially if you don’t drink, smoke cigarettes and avoid drugs. And even better if you don’t have any crazies in your biological family. And we promise to love your baby forever and ever!” The dear birthmother letter is a full on sales brochure.

Its starts with a “I know how hard this is for you” and goes on to show how great we are. We tell that by sharing what a fantastic couple we are, how interesting we both are as individuals, what a wonderful community we live in (you know – schools, cul de sac, tons of families nearby), what we love about each other and interspersed in all that how we cant wait to share all of this with a child. It wouldn’t be complete with photos to back up our claims. Its kinda hokey but this is what the adoption agency sends out when a birth mother matches our criteria. Then its up to her to pick who she thinks is going to take the best care of her unborn child.

We could do this ourselves but wouldn’t you know, there are people who make a living creating dear birthmother letters.  For $850, Joanna at Ourchosenchild.com took our draft letter, my photos, and our answers to tons of silly questions (what five things make you happy, what are your favorite vacations, what are your special talents?) and will make us look like the best parents on the planet.

It helps that Joanna is both an adoptee and a mother of an adopted child. What’s more, she has a biological son who was also a 30 weeker! And he also has red hair. She truly gets us as the parents we already are and the ones to our future child we want to be. I can’t wait to see the final product!